Sometimes life goes along smoothly. Prayers are answered, relationships are good and you just have an all around satisfied feeling! Then there are hard times. Finances don't hold out, a relationship sours, things break down and dreams fall apart. No matter which place I find myself, I am so very thankful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about every detail! I feel Him rejoicing with me when things are going well and I feel his hugs of mercy when life is rotten. If I didn't know God, my life would be a miserable roller coaster!
This week, our dream of a new baby was shattered! I'm not gonna lie, the last few days have been so hard emotionally! But through it all, I feel God caring for us in a gentle way through the love and care of our brothers and sisters in Christ! And I am grateful! SO grateful!!
Monday I went to the doctor after being concerned with some spotting I was having. I went more for my peace of mind than anything. I expected the Dr. to say this was normal and to take it easy. I was also really excited to be planning to go back Wed. for an ultrasound to find out our babies due date and just to be able to see life inside me and be able to comprehend that this dream we waited for so long was about to come true!
When the Dr. did a "mini" ultrasound and told me there was no way I was 11 weeks, I started getting this sinking feeling, because I knew my calculation weren't far off. He immediately ordered a regular ultrasound. When the technician was done and offered me her hand to sit up on the bed, I was not prepared for the sadness in her face when she whispered, "I'm sorry, there is no life there anymore"! :( :( I thought I could be strong and save the emotion for later, but her kindness and sympathy loosened my resolve and I shook with sobs while she offered me a shoulder to cry on! It was hard to sit down with the doctor and discuss the options I was facing. He told me if I let me body work, I would probably miscarry the baby this week yet. But he could also give me pills (with undesirable side effects) to speed the process up. It was hard to make a quick decision when this type of decision was so far off my radar. After whispering a quick prayer to my Father, I felt at peace about letting my body do what it needed to do on its own time.
I hid my tears as I walked out of the office and back through the waiting room full of glowing, pregnant women and momma's with adorable newborn babies. I even kept them in check while I walked across the parking garage to my van. The drive home was hard. I hated to call Dan with the news while he was at work, but didn't think it fair to make him wait, since he knew where I was going that afternoon and he was concerned about me.
I really don't remember much of the drive home. It was full of groanings, prayers and hot tears! I did manage to control my emotions enough to call my Mom and share the news with her and Dad. I asked her to let my siblings know.
We told the kids the sad news and that evening Dan took me shopping since we were running low on groceries. It was soothing to be with him and just do normal life together.
It never fails to amaze me how God works things out in advance! Dan was scheduled for a regular day off on Tuesday and boy, was I thankful!! Tuesday morning, I knew this was the day. This was the day our baby dear was to be born, so small and unrecognizable, but already enjoying a place my heart longs to go! It was probably the hardest day of my life, Wed. not being much better. But even though it was hard and the tears flowed and emotions were raw, I felt carried! Carried by the love of my husband and children taking over the normal "mom jobs" and just looking after my needs while I rested, carried by phone calls and visits from friends, carried by friends offering to bring us meals and carried by so many who let us know they were praying on my facebook page and by email!
This week is not over, but I feel God's love through this situation. I am not done crying and mourning, but I have Hope! And I have a new heartfelt sympathy for those who have had this experience over and over again!
While this dream was "shattered", it is not the end of dreaming! Only God knows what our future holds. In the meantime, I have a deep desire to serve Him wherever and how ever He wants me to! He alone has a perfect will for my future and I'd be foolish not to follow His lead!
I would covet your prayers for our family in the coming weeks as we work through this loss, as we see projects we were working on in preparation for our new baby and as we are again grateful for the two blessings we have been given, Danny and Tamara!! That we would not take for granted the gifts we dreamed of and WERE given!!
~Leaving our future in God's strong hands!
Phillipians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories.